i've always been borderline paranoid

well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but there are a lot of times when i'm really not sure whether what people say is the truth, whether something i've worked for i'll actually receive, whether the intentions of the person(s) i'm dealing with are in the right place, whether i actually deserve something i'm told i deserve (or think, at times, that i DO deserve), if someone is talking about or planning against me, etc.

now, we can psychobabble this to the end of time (it's trust issues, it's poor self-esteem, it's that i've been hurt X number of times, my mommy didn't love me, my ice cream fell off the cone in 1st grade, i listened to too much judas priest when i was growing up, i had a girlfriend who laughed at me when she saw me naked, i was breast-fed, i wasn't breast-fed, i'm co-dependent, i drink too much water, i don't lather-rinse-repeat - choose the one that makes you feel best) but it won't help the situation.

i graduated several months ago from Cincinnati Christian University. in other words, i finished my coursework. it felt good and strange but i was sure that something would come up to screw it up. i wouldn't get my diploma and i'd have to do something else (another class? some weird requirement i didn't hear about 5 years ago?) to get it.

then i graduated a month ago during a ceremony at CCU, but none of us got our diplomas when we walked the stage. why? they wanted to make sure we actually did everything we needed to do to satisfy graduation requirements. i was certain (although i only shared it with a few people) that something would come up and even though i walked the stage, i'd not get the diploma. "the other foot" (that i feel so used to sometimes) would come crashing through and prove to me what i already knew: i screwed up somewhere and i'm not really graduated yet.

well, the diploma came today. i'm not sure what happened to the other foot (or what implication this holds for my semi-paranoid psychosis) but now it's real.

i've really graduated from college.

now to hide the diploma so when the government men in their black helicopters come and break into my foil-lined office to steal it, they won't be able to find it.

that last part was a joke.